My Heart is Heavy

            There is a lot going on right now. My heart is heavy with a burden that I know is not my own. God has drawn me back to Ecuador for another year and the stress that comes with this is almost enough to make me want to give up.

            I need to work out a visa. I need to work out support. I need to finalize living situations. I need to raise $600 more per month. I need to prepare myself for another year of slugging it out, working with kids that everyone else has turned their back on.
But how do I make any of this relevant to anyone here? How do I make people understand that there is a world of people dying out there while the church in North America (and in many other places around the world) turns its back on them because they cannot see past the discomfort of not having enough money to eat out on occasion?

            I suppose this is my dilemma. It is hard not to become condescending when I talk about the needs in Ecuador that are being overlooked because of the hold materialism has on the lives of Canadians. We go so far as to theologically justify hoarding wealth while the lost are left to find their own way to get by. I am not innocent in this. I find myself the occupant of two worlds. I seek to satisfy myself in a selfish and sinful way when I could be putting more of myself and my resources into the kingdom.

            I just came off a couple weeks of camp. I found my own words that I had for the guys in my cabin really convicting even for myself. Why do I not give it all for the lost world? Why do I find it so hard to sacrifice more for the sake of the Gospel. We have a few years on earth and then we have an eternity to face, and only kingdom living counts in God’s eternal kingdom!

            How can I justify spending money on things like MORE new clothes and MORE delicious treats for me when I know first hand that there are so many people out there that fight over other people’s scraps? I know this sounds like the typical guilt trip that someone who has gone abroad leads people on, but unless you have lived it, it can be hard to understand. Christ gave EVERYTHING to reach the lost world, and somehow we settle for giving part.
            I’m not saying that everyone needs to quit their job and go into the mission field. I am saying that the job needs to be the mission field. I should not look for moments to live out and share my faith. I should live it and share it all the time.

            As I head into another year abroad, I bear that load that Christ has already taken upon himself and I am trying to let go. I can ask and beg for money until I am blue in the face. I can tell people prayer requests that would fill hours of airtime with God. I could try my hardest to make people understand the realities of poverty in Ecuador. But the Spirit will always do it better. I need to rely on Him.
            But I also need to rely on other people’s ability to respond to the Spirit. I am not in this alone. I am an extension of the church. I am one ray of light stemming from a source of billions of rays. Yet I cannot forge alone.
            God, give me faith! Strengthen me with Your Spirit!